Why do a blog about the biggest
mistake of your life? The reason is simple. I think we can help others, and if
we can help one other couple get through the heartache an affair causes; it
will be worth it. If we can convince someone caught up in the web of infidelity,
whether emotional or physical, to turn back to their spouse and family, it will
be worth it. However, I also think my wife and I will benefit from writing our
thoughts and feelings down. It will be good for each of us to read each
other’s posts and their point of view.
Back to that awful day when “the
mess” came out: it was the hardest thing I have ever had to tell anyone. How do
you break your best friend’s heart? Oh, it hurt her. I remember the chaos that ensued.
I felt the turmoil everywhere. I hurt for her. I hurt for me. I hurt for us,
but amidst the chaos, I felt this inner peace. I knew I was doing the right
thing. My body hurt, but deep inside, deep, deep in my heart. Just a spot about
the size of an arrowhead deep inside my chest and heart, there was peace.
That night on the couch was horrendous. I had done plenty of things wrong in my life, but nothing that had even come close to this. Never in my life, until that night, had I felt the physical pain sin can cause. I was in physical pain for my bad choices. It was so strange to hurt for yourself, but also hurt for what I had done to my wife. I felt I had potentially lost my wife, lost my family, lost everything we had worked so hard to build. How did it happen? If you had told me even one month before the affair started that I would have an affair on my wife, I would have said you were crazy.
Less than a year before this
“mess” started, I had a close friend confide in me a married woman who we both
knew had been hitting on him through text messaging. He had asked me what he
should do. I told him to tell his wife. I said, “You don’t want to throw away
everything you have for a 40 year old slut.” How ironic, I had almost thrown
away everything I had for a 30 something slut.
I am so glad I didn’t lose
everything. My wife chose to open her heart and turn to me. We have become
closer than we ever have been. I try to keep my heart open. To not turn or run
away when things get tough. We have learned so much in the past few months. I
love my wife more than I ever have. I am often amazed that she is forgiving me.
I feel I don’t deserve it. I have learned to pay attention to my wife. I have
learned that prayer and daily scripture study are a must for me. I have
realized who this man, Jesus Christ, was and is and what he has done for me
personally. I know the atonement is real. I know that our Savior knows us and
our struggles individually. I’ve learned to turn to my wife. No matter what! My
desire, and what I have learned most, is that I want to, from now on, live an
authentic life.
-The Husband
-The Husband
I find it interesting you call the woman you chose to get involved with a slut. I wonder what descriptive words the father, brother,son, husband or boyfriend of that woman may have of you. I am glad your wife is choosing to forgive you but the other woman is also afforded the blessings of the atonement as well and doesn't deserve to be called such a degrading term. I as a man, find your calling your partner in deception this word extremely offensive and frankly diminishes your message.
ReplyDeleteOne of the definitions of a 'Slut' is; a promiscuous woman. This is not the first time this woman has had an affair with a married man. I'm sorry I offended you. You are absolutely correct, I probably could have, and should have, chosen my words more wisely. It's incredibly hard doing a blog and putting yourself out there. You are also correct in saying The Atonement is for us all. I hope and pray that this woman and her family will use The Atonement to help them through this mess.
DeleteI am the the author of the first response and will refer to myself as R1 here on out as I think it may get confusing to distinguish anonymous responses. I commend you for putting yourself out there and blogging about this extremely difficult and painful time in your life. In regards to " The look" just over a year ago I probably gave my wife a similar look your wife gave you. It was earthshattering to say the least and even a year later the pain and sometimes anger is almost overwhelming at times. I can empathize with your wife and the pain she is experiencing. but I just want you to remember the man in the other woman's life ( if there is one) is quite possible hurting more than you can imagine. Woman tend to be able to get over more quickly the horrible images of their husbands in bed with another woman, their pain is more in the emotional betrayal, but for us guys who's primary love language is physical touch, these images can drive you nearly crazy and that is not an exaggeration. In regards to the other woman and her now being involved with 2 married men. Woman tend to cheat because of an emotional void not because of sex, where as the overwhelming amount of men cheat primarily for sex,but of course there are always exceptions on both sides. I am going out on a limb here but I am guessing this woman felt unfulfilled emotionally in her relationship as the primary reason she reached out to other men. This was the case for my wife( I was a poor husband at best in many respects). Because many if not most woman tend to be pleasers, once their needs are met they are anxious to meet the needs of their partner and for most men those needs are primarily physical. So I am glad you retracted your description of her. I may be way off base and she may fall into the very small percentage of woman that have affairs primarily for sex. In regards to your wife, I wonder if this experience has made her reflect on how she can be a better wife. I know for me this was a huge gut check. While there is never a legitimate justification for infedelity there are reasons and I gave my wife too many reasons to look elsewhere for her unfulfilled needs. I look forward to hearing your courageous wifes perspective on all this. Have a great day!
ReplyDeleteR1, Thank you for sharing your painful story with us. I can sympathize with you and the pain you are going through. I can also empathize with your wife. The Sunday after our mess came out was General Conference. As we sat on the couch and listened to the talks given, it was as if someone was shooting arrows at me. Many times it was as though they were talking directly to me and my situation; just another testimony to me of the truthfulness of the church and the gospel. I will never forget a talk given by Richard G. Scott, he said; "One of the vital steps to complete repentance is to bear the short- and long-term consequences of our past sins." The poor decisions I made during that period in my life will be with me for the rest of my life. The victims in an affair, (and I hate that word by the way), can decide to forgive and move on. The perpetrators must live with the heart-ache and pain they have caused forever. I know my wife has forgiven me, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to completely forgive myself. That's why I empathize with your wife. I commend you for being able to see your part in your wife's affair. I believe it is healthy to understand where you were at during that time in your marriage. Your fate is tied together. However, an affair is NEVER justifiable, under any circumstances. You are also right about needs going unmet, and how that can make our marriages vulnerable to infidelity. So many times our marriage and couple time was the first thing to go, when life got busy. It should've been the LAST thing to go. And is now!! There is so much pain in this. It is good to know there are people out there going through the same thing. Thx again for sharing. Have a good night. -The Husband
DeleteR1. Forgiveness is an interesting thing and as I have learned and you noted, it is a choice. I ,on most days have been able to forgive both my wife and the other man. In fact at this point it is about 90% of the time I am able to wake up everyday and make the choice to forgive. The other 10% is still stiffled by triggers that bring back the pain and anger. Hopefully at some point I can overcome this sooner than later as is has been over a year since I found out about this. You mentioned your wife has forgiven you and you still struggle with forgiving yourself. I don't know why us guys struggle so much more than woman to forgive as a general rule. I say if you have asked forgiveness from God, your wife, the other woman and her husband and your apologies are sincere than there isn't much more you can do. After reading your wifes description of you, you sound like a good man who made a terrible set of decisions but has admitted it and doing his best to make things right. My wife likewise is a good person. This " mess" as you call it doesn't define you and I have told this to my wife as well. I am also trying to realize that my past doesn't define me either. The Atonement is the key to washing all this away as you have stated. Let's just keep plugging away standing strong for our Heavenly Fathers plan for us and our families and the Atonement will continue to work and heal as the Balm of Gilead.
ReplyDeleteR1. Speaking of the Balm of Gilead, our Bishop recommended we watch the talk by Boyd K. Packer titled " Balm of Gilead". It has been a great help to us. have a good one!
ReplyDelete