happy anniversary to me

Yup.

Happy freaking anniversary to me.

Three years. Three years I've been thinking about what happened Memorial Day Weekend in 2012, and here I am writing about it. Maybe writing will help rid me of the images that haunt me every time I think about this holiday.

What are those images? Well, some are the ones that I experienced myself, and others are the ones that I have conjured up in my mind.

Let me start with the ones that I saw for myself. I am a runner. Or a jogger. Or sometimes just a walker. Yeah, I like to be a walker these days. But, three years ago I was more of a runner/jogger. I had signed up for a 5k that took place the Saturday before Memorial Day. My husband decided at the last minute to run the race, too. I have never expected to run with my husband. He is MUCH taller than me, and he likes to go FAST. I, on the other hand have no desire to go fast. I like to enjoy myself. Especially in a 5k. A 5k is usually a "friendly" race where you are supporting a good cause. So, back to my image. I was running, and really struggling. I had stayed up way too late the night before, and I was just trying to finish the 3.1 stinking miles. I knew that my husband would have finished at least ten minutes before me, so I expected to see him watching, and waiting for me to finish. Nope. Totally wrong. I searched the faces of the spectators. No husband in sight. I looked and looked for him the last two blocks or so of the end of the race. He's really not hard to find. He's tall, right? I was thinking that he HAD to be finished. Where was he? I finished, got my post-run treat (which really isn't necessary after a 5k) and saw him. He was standing a ways off talking with some friends. He didn't even know I had finished. I felt like he didn't even know I was there. I was searching for him, wondering if he was even there, and there he was just hanging out. I was crushed. Hurt. Angry. Confused. Sad. Just writing about it now I get that same pit in my stomach. How could he not even know I had finished? How could he not be waiting for me? I left. I had to pick up our daughter, and I left. I drove to my mom's to get her. This 5k has a cute kids race after the adults are finished, and I needed to pick her up and bring her back so she could race.

Needless to say, I was upset. As I drove back to the race with my daughter, I was in tears. I was heartbroken. I had gotten the cold shoulder from my husband for no reason that I could think of. When I got back to the race my husband was still oblivious to what I was doing. I took my daughter to the kids race and watched her run. End of 5k.

So, I can't really remember when I finally told my husband about how I felt, but when I finally did, he was really put out that I expected him to wait for me to finish. I felt neglected, ignored, pushed aside, blah, blah, blah.

OK. Now for the images that I didn't witness myself.

After the big reveal, (you know, the day I learned about the affair) I learned what my husband was going through at the 5k. He had taken my boys camping with the men/boys in my family the night before. He and the other woman had decided to meet that Friday evening. He had left my boys with my dad, and she had gone to dinner with me and all of the other women in my family. After dinner, when the ladies were hanging out talking and having dessert, she rushed to meet with my husband. (Insert unwitnessed images that I don't want to share) After their encounter, my husband came home, showered, and waited in our bed for me to come home. When I got home, I was shocked to see him there. He was supposed to be camping, right? No, he decided to run in the 5k the next morning. All right. Sounds good. Well, yeah. We know what happened the next morning.

Hindsight is 20/20. Now I know that he was caught up in a web of his own and he really couldn't care about what I was doing that morning. I sure hope that now it's written out, I can let it go.

So here we are, today.

Happy. Freaking. Anniversary. Cheers to the three year anniversary of the worst Memorial Day Weekend in my life's history.

Where are we today? In the middle of the aftermath of a relapse. Six weeks ago, my husband viewed pornography and neglected to tell me about it until this week. Ignoring all of the advice of our counselor. "Tell your wife immediately!" That's what has been drilled into his head for the last 18 months. Here I sit, looking at myself, and my flaws, wondering what's wrong with me? When will this nightmare end? The sore just starts healing, and the scab gets ripped off again.

I'm just going to live in my sorrows and eat chocolate until Tuesday. Maybe Tuesday will be a better day.

Maybe someday soon I can say again that I'm happy, so happy.

-The Wife

My Corner

The other day, we were driving on a particular street in a neighboring town when my husband said, "Hey, that's your corner."

Yup. That's my corner. There's a story behind this corner. I am not proud of what happened on this corner, and I'm not ashamed of what happened on this corner, but this corner will always have meaning to me. Let me tell you why.

When you are living a reality that you could never have imagined for yourself, you have triggers. I have heard the word trigger before, but I always thought that it was a description for a part of a gun. You know, you pull the trigger, and the gun fires. Yeah, I have a gun inside of me, and sometimes, that gun fires out of control, and I have to learn to NOT pull my trigger.

OK. Back to my corner. My husband and I went out to dinner. It was a good dinner, to start, and then, my husband said something to me. I have no idea what it was now, all I can say is that it hurt. It hurt BAD. I was feeling the pressure starting to build inside of me.

Our salads and bread were served. PRESSURE. The main course came. PRESSURE. I am now silent, because I know that if I try to talk here in the restaurant, I am going to explode with emotion. Tears were on the surface. PRESSURE. The check came. PRESSURE. I'm now red in the face, I'm sure, and I can't hold it back anymore. I can feel the tears coming, but I can't let loose right here! We are finally, FINALLY, able to leave. I'm sure my husband is scared to death because I have been silent the ENTIRE dinner! We get in the car, and then I FIRE.

Boy, oh boy did I FIRE!!! I let loose. I was screaming. I was yelling. LOUD. I have never fired like that before, and I don't want to ever fire like that again! But, I fired, and it felt soooo good! My husband drove and looked at me like I was some sort of alien, and I didn't care! I was letting loose, and I must say, I think it was good. I kept yelling, and I was shaking. I was angry. I was mad. He saw it all. He saw me at my finest (not really). He saw me in all of my fury. Do you want to know what I said? Here is a list:

• How?
• Why?
• You had sooooo much to lose!!!
• I had so much to lose!
• What do we tell our kids?
• I don't deserve this!
• I hate that you have done this to me!
• I hate that you did this to us!!!
• What were you thinking?

Yes, there were more, and the language was a bit more colorful, but you get the idea, right? Well, we pulled up to a stop light, (the corner, my corner) and I was afraid of what was going to come out of my mouth next, so what do I do? Naturally, I bolted. Right there. At the red light. I opened the door, and slammed it. Yes, I SLAMMED it! I walked. Away. Away from the car. Away from the situation. Away from him.

Well, he followed me, and waited. Waited until I had released enough of my energy to be able to sit in the car again. He was crying, and I was too.

Did I still love him? Of course. I just needed to get all of that pain out. I felt better, for a bit, and then I felt guilty. That's what I do. I was so worried about hurting him that I actually felt bad for releasing all of that energy. This is my problem. Sometimes you need to just take care of yourself for a while, without worrying about anybody else. I have had to learn this. Actually, after a year of dealing with the aftermath of an affair, I have learned that my needs are normal. It is normal for a wife, and mother to care for herself. It's normal to need to get away from the kids, husband, all of that stuff for a bit, but you need to come back.

That's what I did that night. I took care of my need to get it all out, to release all of that pain, and then come back. And you know what? He was very understanding. He just took it all in. He accepted that he caused this pain, and that I was justified in what I said. He has definitely been humbled, and so have I.

So where are we now? I no longer explode. I no longer ask all of those questions. (It does me no good. There are no answers that will satisfy me.) I no longer blame him fully for the hurtful events of our lives the past couple of years.

He doesn't say things that hurt me. He sees when I need my space, and when I need to take care of my needs.

And, guess what? We love each other more than we ever have. It has been a loooooong journey full of sleepless nights, good conversation, and tears.

And, I can honestly say that we are happy, so happy!

Hate

I have never been a hateful person. I have been told that I don't have an unkind bone in my body. I have a hard time criticizing anyone for anything. I have a hard time speaking my mind if I think I will say hurtful things to someone. I didn't know how a trauma such as an affair could bring out the worst in me. There have been times when I have been a very hateful person. I have been hateful toward three people. X, my husband, and myself.

X - I have HATED her!!! I have had horrible thoughts toward her. I never dreamed I could hate someone like I have hated her. I hate that she would text my husband while I was with her. I hated that she could spend an evening with me, and then meet up with my husband that very night. I hate that she could babysit my children, all the while knowing what she was doing to them. I hated what she did to her husband and her children. I look back on my friendship with her, and all I see is deceit and lies. I second guess the things she did for me that I thought were done out of kindness. Now I have to wonder, "was she just trying to be closer to my husband?" I second guess anything I ever told her concerning my husband or my marriage. How does one get past a good friend, or CLOSE family member being so deceitful? It's a complicated situation because I see her on a regular basis. Most of the advice you are given after discovering that your spouse has had an affair is to NEVER allow the other woman/man into your lives again. This is nearly impossible in my particular situation. I see her at ALL family gatherings. I HATE that I put on a happy face and not let the entire family know of our ugly secret. It eats me up inside.

My Husband - How do you go from completely loving a person to hating them in a matter of a second? I feel so bad, but there have been moments when I have hated my husband. I hated that in a time of difficulty he didn't see the warning signs and turn to me. I hated that he could bring this ugly poison into our home. I hate that he could tell her more about what was going on in his life than he shared with me. I hate that he continued in his calling just like nothing had ever happened with X. I hate thinking about all of the times we were with X and her husband, and I thought there was nothing to worry about. I hate that twice, when the subject of this woman was brought up as a person I should be concerned about he lied to me. I hate all of the pain I have had to endure because of another person's choice.

Me - I have hated me. I have hated my personality. I hate that I worry so much about other peoples feelings, that I push my own thoughts and feelings aside. I hate my body. I hate that I'm not as wrapped up in my looks as X (as if this could have kept him from straying). I hate that I don't speak my mind. I hate that I have wondered if there is anything in my life worth living for. I hate that I feel like my marriage is a failure. I hate that I didn't see my husband's needs and take care of them myself. I hate that it's so easy to look at my life and see destruction everywhere I turn.

Enough about hate. I will never forget the morning I told a dear friend about the affair. She is a person I have run/walked with for years. If you are a runner, you know that you share things with your running friends that you normally wouldn't. We were talking about affairs, and she said that nothing could damage your self esteem more than your spouse having an affair. At this time, she didn't know about my situation. I remember thinking she was absolutely right. Never in my life has my self esteem teetered at the edge like it has these last few months. I remember opening up to her and telling her what I was dealing with. She stopped in her tracks, literally, looked me in the eyes, and with open arms said how sorry she was. I will never forget the tears and the wisdom that came in the following weeks. I was telling her how much I hated X. My friend does not know X well, but does know her. I said that I knew at some point I would have to forgive her, but I didn't know how that would happen. My wise friend told me that I would have to start somewhere. I know this to be true, but I have such a hard time getting past my own hate.

Fast forward to a therapy session. I was wallowing in my grief when my therapist stopped me in my tracks. I was there with my husband, and she said that the pain I feel can in no way ever equal the pain my husband feels for the wrongs that he has done. I will never forget the look on his face. There were tears streaming down his cheeks, and he was slouching. He looked so defeated. In that moment I knew that I needed to forgive him and end that part of the hate.

There is a book I read last winter. It is called, The Light Between Oceans by M L Stedman. There is a part of the book that talks about forgivensss. It reads,

"But how? How can you just get over these things, darling?" she had asked him. "You've had so much strife but you're always happy. How do you do it?"
"I choose to," he said. "I can leave myself to rot in the past, spend my time hating people for what happened, like my father did, or I can forgive and forget."
"But it's not that easy."
He smiled that Frank smile. "Oh, but my treasure, it is so much less exhausting. You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things." He laughed, pretending to wipe sweat from his brow. "I would have to make a list, a very, very long list and make sure I hated the people on it the right amount. That I did a proper job of hating, too: very Teutonic! No"--his voice became sober--"we always have a choice. All of us."

I have been making lists. I have been referring to those lists time and time again. It's high time I wad up these lists and throw them away. I threw my husband's list away that day in therapy. I don't look at him with hate in my eyes anymore. I don't see the wrongs he has done any longer. I do, however, keep going over the list that I keep for X. I feel all of the pain and see all of the destruction she has caused, and I go over my list for her daily. I know that forgiveness takes time. It seems like it has been easy for me to forgive my husband because I am with him every single day. I see the changes he is making in his life to make things right. I am not with X. I don't see the changes she is making in her life. I don't know if her apology to me was sincere, because I have put enough distance between us to not see if she is trying to change. But, do I have to see her trying to change? Do I really need to see that she is sincerely sorry for the hurt and pain she helped cause? By not forgiving her, I am just bringing anguish to my soul that does not belong there. Last, but not least, I need to toss the list I have written for myself. I need to stop hating myself for things that happened that were beyond my control. It has been exhausting. Everytime I look in the mirror, I see an old, stressed, woman staring back at me. It is not the me that I used to see. I don't see the energetic loving mother I once was. I have been beating myself up for months about things I maybe, possibly, could have done differently.

I have been destroying my soul. Is this the person my Heavenly Father intended me to be? No. This is why forgiveness is essential to our salvation. By not forgiving another, and myself, I have been at a standstill. I haven't been seeing others as my Savior sees them, and me.

As a child, have you ever looked for something? Do you remember going to your mother and asking her if she had seen the particular item you were looking for? Did your mother describe to you exactly where the item was? Did you go back, look for the item, but not be able to find it? Did you go back to your mother? Did she lead you back to the place where the item was, and find it almost immediately? Did she show you how to look for things with more clarity? I have heard this called "Looking With Mother's Eyes". If we could see things as our mother sees them, we would find what we were looking for.

Have you ever tried, really tried, to look with our Savior's eyes? This is a skill that I believe has to be learned. We need to daily look at others as if we are looking through our Savior's eyes. He forgives each and every one of us because he has a perfect knowledge that we are all children of our Heavenly Father. He knows of our divine potential. He loves each of us with a perfect love. We are not perfect. When we see others, it's hard to see through His eyes, yet that is exactly what we have all been asked to do. Have you prayed to see people as our Savior sees them? Do you ask for help, daily, to see those who have let you down as Christ sees them? This is a skill I have had to work on recently. I am still learning to look through His eyes. I'm not there, yet. I haven't thrown away all of my lists, YET, but I am working on it. I pray daily to have the strength to forgive. I have faith that I will be able to forgive as my Savior forgives. I am striving to forgive, and I think I am getting there. I haven't made the final choice to throw away my lists, but I am starting to grab those lists and make some wrinkles in the paper.

Forgiveness is a choice. It can be a hard choice. I have chosen to forgive my husband. Without his love, I would be lost. He is a great man, and I see him through the eyes of our Savior. I know that we have a marriage that can be healed and can be mended. I love him more now than I ever have, and together we are working on being happy, so happy!

- The Wife

Good Dog/Bad Dog

In Kelly Clarkson’s song “Dark Side” the chorus says: “Everybody’s got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody’s a picture perfect. But we’re worth it, you know that we’re worth it. Will you love me, even with my dark side?” I have always fought with my dark side. As long as I can remember, it has always been there. Like Ms. Clarkson says: all of us have a dark side to some degree or another. I believe we all have a “good dog” and a “bad dog.” We make a choice every day which dog we are going to feed and give our attention to. I envy those people who (seem) to always be able to neglect their “bad dogs.”

In John Steinbeck’s classic “East of Eden” he parallels the Bible story of Cain and Abel, with fictional characters. These characters study deep into the tragic story of these two brothers, and what led to Cain’s demise. Cain was a farmer. Abel was a rancher, or a keeper of sheep. Abel offered up his best sheep, as a sacrifice to The Lord. Cain did not offer up his best fruit unto The Lord. One has to wonder if The Lord was a little more sympathetic to Abel’s offering because he is also a keeper of sheep. Either way, The Lord rejected Cain’s. Cain felt hurt and rejection. With rejection comes anger, and with anger comes revenge. Steinbeck’s characters discover the words “Thou Shalt” or “Do Thou” are the key to what happens next. The Hebrew translation of “Thou Shalt” is timshel – “Thou Mayest” – that gives a man a choice. After The Lord rejected Cain’s offering, he had a choice as to how he would react to this perceived injustice. He could choose to feed the bad dog inside of him, or he could choose to feed the good dog. We, like Cain, always have a choice, no matter what! We can’t always control what happens in our lives, but we can always control how we react to it. Timshel or Thou Mayest, is what gives us control, for if Thou Mayest, then Thou also Mayest Not. Timshel is possibly the most powerful word on earth.

Throughout the years of our marriage, at times, I have felt rejected by my wife. The rejection hurt me deep inside. Even though the rejection hurt, I always had the choice of how I dealt with it. If only I could have turned toward her and opened up; put myself in a vulnerable position and showed her how much I loved her, maybe “the mess” never would have happened. When the affair came out, it humbled me to my core and broke my heart wide open. 

A few days after my wife found out about the affair, I found myself in the Stake President’s office confessing what I had done. It must have bothered him. I had served on his High Council and had sat in on church courts and helped make judgments on men who had had similar problems. This is one part of the whole mess that is very difficult for me. I felt like a hypocrite. I felt trapped and wanted out of my position but was afraid to let so many people whom I loved down. I couldn’t see a way out. The Stake President needed to know the details of my transgressions and I needed to confess them.

The other woman and I had never had sexual intercourse. The affair started out with a lot of texting, which turned inappropriate almost immediately. We sexted non-stop. There were some inappropriate pictures, but for the most part it was just words. I was shocked at how fast I was in over my head. It was like pouring gasoline on a fire. We met a couple of times without a lot of time and kissed and there was some inappropriate touching both ways. As the relationship progressed physically, there was oral sex both ways. That was the worst of it physically. I’m not really sure why we never had intercourse, however, I had drawn a line and was unwilling to cross it and I am so glad we did not cross that line. Looking back on the physical encounters now, they look so cheap. They were always rushed and more like two teenagers than two grown adults. What stopped the affair initially was one therapy session that my wife and I were in. The affair was in full swing at this point, it had been going on for about three months. My wife knew something was terribly wrong in our marriage but had no idea about the affair. The marriage counselor asked my wife point blank, “If he were to have an affair, who would it be with?” My wife gave her the name of the woman I was in the middle of the affair with. I couldn’t believe it. I was able to get out of that session without letting them know what was going on, however, it ended the affair very quickly. It took about five or six weeks before we started texting again. Our families were very close, and it could never be completely over until it came out.

With all of this information, the Stake President told me he could not be sure, but felt I would not be excommunicated. Two weeks later, I was dis-fellowshipped. It was incredibly hard to take, but I feel it was the right decision and was done out of love. I can’t help but feel I should have been stronger. How did I become so weak? I think as I was put on the High Council, my wife and I both let our guard down a little bit. As if somehow the calling would keep me out of trouble. I do feel more responsible than the other woman. I knew what I was doing and I made some terrible decisions through this period in my life. This is not who I am. This was completely out of character for me. Sure, I always liked to push things right to the limit. I always thought I could justify a “little sin.” Feed and play with the “bad dog,” just occasionally. Satan knew right when to strike. He knows our weaknesses better than we do. 

I am so glad with all the bad decisions I made at least I decided to make a good decision and tell my wife about the affair. I am so lucky to have her. She is such an incredible person and we have been closer than we ever have been. We are open with each other and she has forgiven me. Some days are really hard, but we have many more good days than bad now. I am so glad she stayed. I am so glad she made the decision to turn to me and open up. It would have been so easy for her to turn away. I’m working on ignoring the bad dog. I know even with my dark side that there is always a choice. I want to make good choices and continue to live an authentic life, with everyone around me. Can I choose to live a good life? Timshel.

To listen to Kelly Clarkson's song, click below:

Kelly Clarkson: Dark Side

- The Husband

Truth Hurts

After wondering for so long what the problem was in our marriage, I finally had an answer. It was not the answer I had expected, but it was the answer I was to live with. Never before had I felt such anguish in my soul. The saying "truth hurts" could not be more true in this instance. Although it was good to finally know the truth, I was totally devastated. The first night was terrible. I didn't want my husband to sleep in our bed with me, so he slept on the couch. Neither one of us slept at all that night. I tossed and turned, and I could hear him in the family room sobbing. It was awful.

The next day, I had to go to work. All day long, it was all I could do to not break down and cry. I'm not saying it didn't happen, but I had to keep the whole mess under wraps. I couldn't let anyone know that there was anything wrong. I had to smile and go about my day as if everything was OK. I HATED THIS!!! And I still do. I don't like pretending that everything is all right when it's not. I think that the only reason I could hold so much back was because I didn't want my kids to know. If I was going to stay with their father, they couldn't know something that would possibly destroy their world. I have heard that affairs affect generations, and I was not about to let this affair destroy my kid's lives. 

The second night was similar to the first, but I told my husband he could sleep in the bed with me. I have never been able to sleep when he is not with me. Finally I was able to get some sleep. I remember waking the next morning, realizing I was still living my biggest nightmare, and immediately crying. I remember my husband looking at me and I saw in his eyes that he was just starting to understand all that I was going through. It's moments like these that I was thinking of when I knew he couldn't leave. He would have missed seeing my broken heart that morning. 

After the kids went to school, I was praying for some kind of peace, and asking my Father in Heaven to please comfort me. I'll never forgot how I received my answer. I happened to open Facebook. I was hoping seeing what was going on in the lives of others would help me get my mind off of my own situation. There was a message for me. What? Nobody EVER sends me a message via Facebook. I opened it. It was a message from a man my husband had taught while on his mission. I have never met this man. I am just "friends" with him on Facebook. This man was just a boy when my husband taught him. My husband says that from day one he was very faithful. He has stayed strong in the church, taught his whole family the gospel, and is now serving as a bishop. That morning, his message was very simple. He said, in broken English, "Hi! I love our family. I speak no English. I'm sorry. I was baptized by your husband. A big hug to love you, that the Lord continue to bless you." What??? Did I read that right? How on earth could someone half a world away know right then that I needed to hear just the message he sent me? There was no way he could know of the turmoil going on in our home. At that time, there were only a handful of people who knew of the situation. HOW ON EARTH??? There is only one answer. I knew in that moment that my Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs. He was able to answer my prayer because there was one person on earth who listened to the spirit, and followed a prompting. I wrote this reply, "Thank you so much! I hope you can read this. you are an inspired man. Your message gave me hope and filled my soul with light when I so needed it! We think of you often, and we love you too! May the Lord continue to bless you and your family!" What happened next is too personal to share, but he wrote another message to me. This second message is more inspired than the first. Some of the things he said coincide exactly with my patriarchal blessing. The only way to describe it is that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Savior and Heavenly Father are REAL!!! They are aware of us and are waiting to bless us. I will be eternally grateful for a righteous man who took the time to listen to the promptings he was given and follow through with them. He still doesn't know exactly what I was going through at the time, but I hope he knows how much I appreciate him!

We all have promptings throughout every day of our lives. What do we do? Do we act on those promptings? I expected to hear the Holy Ghost whisper softly to me to comfort me. Never did I expect to have my prayer that morning answered by someone who had not been told of my circumstance, who was halfway around the world! Our Savior needs us to listen. He needs us to pray for guidance continually. He needs us to look for those around us who we can help. We are His hands. We can do great things if we will only listen! I have been blessed countless times these last few months by those who have listened to the promptings given to them, and I will always be grateful for them. Never did I expect my testimony of my Heavenly Father to be so strengthened during this trying time. He is real. He hears our prayers. He is waiting to bless us if we will only open our hearts to Him and tell Him of our needs. 

I must say, I have been humbled by this experience. I have learned so much, but the best part is that I have had my eternal companion by my side the entire time. He has been totally open to me and I have tried to stay open to him. I love him, and together we are happy, so happy!!!

-The Wife

The Look

“You will never forget the way she looks at you for the first time after you tell her.” Our therapist had said that awful day. We had been seeing her for a couple of years for marriage counseling. It had helped, but sometimes the issues brought out could be difficult to hear. She was right. The first look from my wife when I told her I had been having an affair is burned in my mind forever. It still brings tears to my eyes and hurts my heart to think of that terrible day. The worst day of my life.

Why do a blog about the biggest mistake of your life? The reason is simple. I think we can help others, and if we can help one other couple get through the heartache an affair causes; it will be worth it. If we can convince someone caught up in the web of infidelity, whether emotional or physical, to turn back to their spouse and family, it will be worth it. However, I also think my wife and I will benefit from writing our thoughts and feelings down. It will be good for each of us to read each other’s posts and their point of view.

Back to that awful day when “the mess” came out: it was the hardest thing I have ever had to tell anyone. How do you break your best friend’s heart? Oh, it hurt her. I remember the chaos that ensued. I felt the turmoil everywhere. I hurt for her. I hurt for me. I hurt for us, but amidst the chaos, I felt this inner peace. I knew I was doing the right thing. My body hurt, but deep inside, deep, deep in my heart. Just a spot about the size of an arrowhead deep inside my chest and heart, there was peace.

That night on the couch was horrendous. I had done plenty of things wrong in my life, but nothing that had even come close to this. Never in my life, until that night, had I felt the physical pain sin can cause. I was in physical pain for my bad choices. It was so strange to hurt for yourself, but also hurt for what I had done to my wife. I felt I had potentially lost my wife, lost my family, lost everything we had worked so hard to build. How did it happen? If you had told me even one month before the affair started that I would have an affair on my wife, I would have said you were crazy.

Less than a year before this “mess” started, I had a close friend confide in me a married woman who we both knew had been hitting on him through text messaging. He had asked me what he should do. I told him to tell his wife. I said, “You don’t want to throw away everything you have for a 40 year old slut.” How ironic, I had almost thrown away everything I had for a 30 something slut.

I am so glad I didn’t lose everything. My wife chose to open her heart and turn to me. We have become closer than we ever have been. I try to keep my heart open. To not turn or run away when things get tough. We have learned so much in the past few months. I love my wife more than I ever have. I am often amazed that she is forgiving me. I feel I don’t deserve it. I have learned to pay attention to my wife. I have learned that prayer and daily scripture study are a must for me. I have realized who this man, Jesus Christ, was and is and what he has done for me personally. I know the atonement is real. I know that our Savior knows us and our struggles individually. I’ve learned to turn to my wife. No matter what! My desire, and what I have learned most, is that I want to, from now on, live an authentic life.

-The Husband

The Club

What is a club? By definition, a club is "an association dedicated to a particular interest or activity". I remember having a club in the fourth grade. I had a notebook that I wrote every ones names in. This club did nothing in particular, other than keep the secrets of the members of the club. So I guess you could call it a secrets keeping club. Every member was required to sign their name in the notebook. We met each day at lunchtime at a designated door where we would share our secrets. I don't remember any of the secrets now, but as fourth graders we thought we were really cool because we "belonged" to something.

Now, I belong to a different kind of club. This club is not a club I'm proud to be a part of. I didn't even want to be part of this club. I had always known about this club, and I vowed that I would never, ever become a member. The problem was, I couldn't completely prevent becoming a member. There was somebody else that made that choice for me. This club is a club that I would like to exit and have my name completely removed from the "notebook". I never signed this notebook, allowing my membership.

What is this club? This is the infidelity club. My husband was unfaithful. I always believed that our marriage was strong enough to take on any negative forces that were thrown our way. Boy, was I wrong!!! I have learned that there is not a marriage on this earth that is always strong enough to ward off this type of evil influence.

My husband and I are both faithful members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are LDS. We are Mormons. We had done everything right. My husband had served an honorable mission, came home, met me, and we were married in the temple. We had six beautiful chilren. We went on date nights every single week. At the time, he was serving on the Stake High Council, and I was in a leadership position as well. From the outside, we looked like the perfect Mormon family. There were problems, but is there a marriage out there without problems? We were extremely busy with our family, church callings, personal hobbies, a home business, etc. I was going through the motions day by day, juggling to the best of my abilities all of the stresses a large family has.

Then it happened. The day I learned I was part of the club. I had taken the children to school and started to manage my daily chores. My husband was home that day. I will never forget how it happened. He said, "I have something I need to talk to you about. Come into the living room and sit down." He didn't sit next to me, instead he sat across from me. He took my hands in his. He was shaking, and I knew this wasn't good. He then said "I've been having an inappropriate relationship with X." That's all I needed to send me into a tailspin. The questions started flying. "When? Where? How could YOU? How could SHE?" He told me that he loved me and wanted nothing more than to try and work on our marriage and save it. I was not sitting anymore. I was pacing. I went into the kitchen. I looked at our beautiful home. I saw pictures of what seemed like our perfect family. I was now sobbing. He was crying as well. I was sick.

X was a member of my family. She was one of my closest friends. She was who I called if I needed help with my children before, during and after the whole mess. (I have a hard time calling it an affair. I still have a hard time believing that it happened.) Not only was I betrayed by my husband, I was also betrayed by one of my closest friends.

That day I told him to pack a bag and leave. Isn't that what one does? When he went into the bedroom to pack, I realized that I couldn't do it alone. I couldn't raise our six children alone. I didn't have a good enough job. I worked less than part time at a local school, and I knew that he didn't make enough money to support two households. When he came back into the family room, I told him that he shouldn't leave. If I was going to go through this nightmare, I wanted him to watch me suffer. I wanted him to see how he had ripped my heart out. He needed to fully realize what he had done to me, and to our children.

We then talked. The spouse of X was someone I cared about deeply. He didn't know yet, and from what my husband told me, X would have kept this secret until her dying day. My husband and I talked about how to best handle what needed to take place next. The husband of X had a right to know. I was NOT about to keep this secret from him. We talked about my husband talking to X, telling her she had a certain amount of time to tell her spouse, but this scenario didn't sit well with me. I wanted absolutely no contact between my husband and X ever again, especially in private. We talked about me alone being the one to tell him. This didn't seem fair to me. I hadn't done anything wrong. Why should I be the one to break the bad news to him. We decided that the best way to handle the situation was for us both to go to their house and tell them together. Not only would it expose the secret, but it would show that my husband and I were now a united front, and she had no power over me.

I went to see our bishop. My husband had already talked with him, and told him of the affair. I was distraught. He was so kind. I don't remember all that was said in that meeting, but I do remember the peace I felt. I told him of our plans to tell X and her husband. My kind, wise bishop gave me a priesthood blessing that day that I would have a clear mind and that I would be able to carry this load that had been placed upon my shoulders. When I left his office, I knew I would be alright, but that I was not expected to take this journey alone. I knew right then that my Savior would be with me every step of the way, and that all I needed to do was to ask for His help.

That is what I did. I prayed more earnestly than I ever have before. I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to bless me and my children. I asked that our home would be one of peace. I needed reassurance that all would be well, but most importantly that day, I needed my Savior right by my side.

That night, my husband and I went to X's house. When we went in, I looked at her. I was shaking and said we needed to talk. She and her husband took us into a room where we could close the door, and then it happened. I looked at her husband, and told him about the affair. Some may wonder why it was me, and not X or my husband being the mouthpiece that night. I don't have an answer to that. I just know that most of the words that I said that night were not MY words. I know I was inspired in what I said. I know that I was being directed to say what needed to be said that night. It is a moment that I would never want to relive, but it is also a moment when I absolutely felt the spirit of the Lord with me. I was calm. I wasn't crying. I was able to say what needed to be said, and to comfort her husband. I was also able to say things to X that I never thought I would be able to say.

Before we left, I remember saying goodbye to her children. I remember their sweet faces. They knew something was wrong. The children are the only true victims in an affair. I have learned in the past few months that most innocent spouses make a contribution to the affair. I have learned what my contribution was, but children have no contribution. They are perfectly innocent in the whole mess. They must deal with things being whispered about their parents. They deal with the fighting in the home. They have their spirits broken, sometimes not even knowing why. My biggest concern in this whole ordeal is the children. Not only mine, but hers as well. Every time I pray I plead with my Heavenly Father to protect them.

The children are the reason this has been kept as quiet as possible. We decided that night that we would not tell anyone, but deal with the matter as privately as possible. As far as I know, the only people who know are my parents, church leaders, and a few select close friends.

There were many sleepless nights that followed. So much heartache, and so much to learn. I will say, I have never felt more love from my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I know that they are aware of me and they know what I am going through. The Holy Ghost has been my constant companion. I know that there are loved ones who have died who are with me and my children constantly. I know that my Savior is just as close as I will let Him be, and when I ask, He is always there. I know that the atonement is real, and that its healing power is for ALL. Not only those who need to repent, but for those who need to be uplifted and need strength. I have drawn strength from the atonement more times in the last few months than ever in my life.

I love my husband. I love that he was willing to come clean with me. I love that he wants ME, and he wants our family to stay intact. I am so grateful that he chose to stay with me, and I am grateful that I didn't make him leave that day so many months ago.

It has taken me a while, but I can honestly say that most days I am happy, so happy!!!

-The Wife