Truth Hurts

After wondering for so long what the problem was in our marriage, I finally had an answer. It was not the answer I had expected, but it was the answer I was to live with. Never before had I felt such anguish in my soul. The saying "truth hurts" could not be more true in this instance. Although it was good to finally know the truth, I was totally devastated. The first night was terrible. I didn't want my husband to sleep in our bed with me, so he slept on the couch. Neither one of us slept at all that night. I tossed and turned, and I could hear him in the family room sobbing. It was awful.

The next day, I had to go to work. All day long, it was all I could do to not break down and cry. I'm not saying it didn't happen, but I had to keep the whole mess under wraps. I couldn't let anyone know that there was anything wrong. I had to smile and go about my day as if everything was OK. I HATED THIS!!! And I still do. I don't like pretending that everything is all right when it's not. I think that the only reason I could hold so much back was because I didn't want my kids to know. If I was going to stay with their father, they couldn't know something that would possibly destroy their world. I have heard that affairs affect generations, and I was not about to let this affair destroy my kid's lives. 

The second night was similar to the first, but I told my husband he could sleep in the bed with me. I have never been able to sleep when he is not with me. Finally I was able to get some sleep. I remember waking the next morning, realizing I was still living my biggest nightmare, and immediately crying. I remember my husband looking at me and I saw in his eyes that he was just starting to understand all that I was going through. It's moments like these that I was thinking of when I knew he couldn't leave. He would have missed seeing my broken heart that morning. 

After the kids went to school, I was praying for some kind of peace, and asking my Father in Heaven to please comfort me. I'll never forgot how I received my answer. I happened to open Facebook. I was hoping seeing what was going on in the lives of others would help me get my mind off of my own situation. There was a message for me. What? Nobody EVER sends me a message via Facebook. I opened it. It was a message from a man my husband had taught while on his mission. I have never met this man. I am just "friends" with him on Facebook. This man was just a boy when my husband taught him. My husband says that from day one he was very faithful. He has stayed strong in the church, taught his whole family the gospel, and is now serving as a bishop. That morning, his message was very simple. He said, in broken English, "Hi! I love our family. I speak no English. I'm sorry. I was baptized by your husband. A big hug to love you, that the Lord continue to bless you." What??? Did I read that right? How on earth could someone half a world away know right then that I needed to hear just the message he sent me? There was no way he could know of the turmoil going on in our home. At that time, there were only a handful of people who knew of the situation. HOW ON EARTH??? There is only one answer. I knew in that moment that my Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs. He was able to answer my prayer because there was one person on earth who listened to the spirit, and followed a prompting. I wrote this reply, "Thank you so much! I hope you can read this. you are an inspired man. Your message gave me hope and filled my soul with light when I so needed it! We think of you often, and we love you too! May the Lord continue to bless you and your family!" What happened next is too personal to share, but he wrote another message to me. This second message is more inspired than the first. Some of the things he said coincide exactly with my patriarchal blessing. The only way to describe it is that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Savior and Heavenly Father are REAL!!! They are aware of us and are waiting to bless us. I will be eternally grateful for a righteous man who took the time to listen to the promptings he was given and follow through with them. He still doesn't know exactly what I was going through at the time, but I hope he knows how much I appreciate him!

We all have promptings throughout every day of our lives. What do we do? Do we act on those promptings? I expected to hear the Holy Ghost whisper softly to me to comfort me. Never did I expect to have my prayer that morning answered by someone who had not been told of my circumstance, who was halfway around the world! Our Savior needs us to listen. He needs us to pray for guidance continually. He needs us to look for those around us who we can help. We are His hands. We can do great things if we will only listen! I have been blessed countless times these last few months by those who have listened to the promptings given to them, and I will always be grateful for them. Never did I expect my testimony of my Heavenly Father to be so strengthened during this trying time. He is real. He hears our prayers. He is waiting to bless us if we will only open our hearts to Him and tell Him of our needs. 

I must say, I have been humbled by this experience. I have learned so much, but the best part is that I have had my eternal companion by my side the entire time. He has been totally open to me and I have tried to stay open to him. I love him, and together we are happy, so happy!!!

-The Wife

The Look

“You will never forget the way she looks at you for the first time after you tell her.” Our therapist had said that awful day. We had been seeing her for a couple of years for marriage counseling. It had helped, but sometimes the issues brought out could be difficult to hear. She was right. The first look from my wife when I told her I had been having an affair is burned in my mind forever. It still brings tears to my eyes and hurts my heart to think of that terrible day. The worst day of my life.

Why do a blog about the biggest mistake of your life? The reason is simple. I think we can help others, and if we can help one other couple get through the heartache an affair causes; it will be worth it. If we can convince someone caught up in the web of infidelity, whether emotional or physical, to turn back to their spouse and family, it will be worth it. However, I also think my wife and I will benefit from writing our thoughts and feelings down. It will be good for each of us to read each other’s posts and their point of view.

Back to that awful day when “the mess” came out: it was the hardest thing I have ever had to tell anyone. How do you break your best friend’s heart? Oh, it hurt her. I remember the chaos that ensued. I felt the turmoil everywhere. I hurt for her. I hurt for me. I hurt for us, but amidst the chaos, I felt this inner peace. I knew I was doing the right thing. My body hurt, but deep inside, deep, deep in my heart. Just a spot about the size of an arrowhead deep inside my chest and heart, there was peace.

That night on the couch was horrendous. I had done plenty of things wrong in my life, but nothing that had even come close to this. Never in my life, until that night, had I felt the physical pain sin can cause. I was in physical pain for my bad choices. It was so strange to hurt for yourself, but also hurt for what I had done to my wife. I felt I had potentially lost my wife, lost my family, lost everything we had worked so hard to build. How did it happen? If you had told me even one month before the affair started that I would have an affair on my wife, I would have said you were crazy.

Less than a year before this “mess” started, I had a close friend confide in me a married woman who we both knew had been hitting on him through text messaging. He had asked me what he should do. I told him to tell his wife. I said, “You don’t want to throw away everything you have for a 40 year old slut.” How ironic, I had almost thrown away everything I had for a 30 something slut.

I am so glad I didn’t lose everything. My wife chose to open her heart and turn to me. We have become closer than we ever have been. I try to keep my heart open. To not turn or run away when things get tough. We have learned so much in the past few months. I love my wife more than I ever have. I am often amazed that she is forgiving me. I feel I don’t deserve it. I have learned to pay attention to my wife. I have learned that prayer and daily scripture study are a must for me. I have realized who this man, Jesus Christ, was and is and what he has done for me personally. I know the atonement is real. I know that our Savior knows us and our struggles individually. I’ve learned to turn to my wife. No matter what! My desire, and what I have learned most, is that I want to, from now on, live an authentic life.

-The Husband

The Club

What is a club? By definition, a club is "an association dedicated to a particular interest or activity". I remember having a club in the fourth grade. I had a notebook that I wrote every ones names in. This club did nothing in particular, other than keep the secrets of the members of the club. So I guess you could call it a secrets keeping club. Every member was required to sign their name in the notebook. We met each day at lunchtime at a designated door where we would share our secrets. I don't remember any of the secrets now, but as fourth graders we thought we were really cool because we "belonged" to something.

Now, I belong to a different kind of club. This club is not a club I'm proud to be a part of. I didn't even want to be part of this club. I had always known about this club, and I vowed that I would never, ever become a member. The problem was, I couldn't completely prevent becoming a member. There was somebody else that made that choice for me. This club is a club that I would like to exit and have my name completely removed from the "notebook". I never signed this notebook, allowing my membership.

What is this club? This is the infidelity club. My husband was unfaithful. I always believed that our marriage was strong enough to take on any negative forces that were thrown our way. Boy, was I wrong!!! I have learned that there is not a marriage on this earth that is always strong enough to ward off this type of evil influence.

My husband and I are both faithful members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are LDS. We are Mormons. We had done everything right. My husband had served an honorable mission, came home, met me, and we were married in the temple. We had six beautiful chilren. We went on date nights every single week. At the time, he was serving on the Stake High Council, and I was in a leadership position as well. From the outside, we looked like the perfect Mormon family. There were problems, but is there a marriage out there without problems? We were extremely busy with our family, church callings, personal hobbies, a home business, etc. I was going through the motions day by day, juggling to the best of my abilities all of the stresses a large family has.

Then it happened. The day I learned I was part of the club. I had taken the children to school and started to manage my daily chores. My husband was home that day. I will never forget how it happened. He said, "I have something I need to talk to you about. Come into the living room and sit down." He didn't sit next to me, instead he sat across from me. He took my hands in his. He was shaking, and I knew this wasn't good. He then said "I've been having an inappropriate relationship with X." That's all I needed to send me into a tailspin. The questions started flying. "When? Where? How could YOU? How could SHE?" He told me that he loved me and wanted nothing more than to try and work on our marriage and save it. I was not sitting anymore. I was pacing. I went into the kitchen. I looked at our beautiful home. I saw pictures of what seemed like our perfect family. I was now sobbing. He was crying as well. I was sick.

X was a member of my family. She was one of my closest friends. She was who I called if I needed help with my children before, during and after the whole mess. (I have a hard time calling it an affair. I still have a hard time believing that it happened.) Not only was I betrayed by my husband, I was also betrayed by one of my closest friends.

That day I told him to pack a bag and leave. Isn't that what one does? When he went into the bedroom to pack, I realized that I couldn't do it alone. I couldn't raise our six children alone. I didn't have a good enough job. I worked less than part time at a local school, and I knew that he didn't make enough money to support two households. When he came back into the family room, I told him that he shouldn't leave. If I was going to go through this nightmare, I wanted him to watch me suffer. I wanted him to see how he had ripped my heart out. He needed to fully realize what he had done to me, and to our children.

We then talked. The spouse of X was someone I cared about deeply. He didn't know yet, and from what my husband told me, X would have kept this secret until her dying day. My husband and I talked about how to best handle what needed to take place next. The husband of X had a right to know. I was NOT about to keep this secret from him. We talked about my husband talking to X, telling her she had a certain amount of time to tell her spouse, but this scenario didn't sit well with me. I wanted absolutely no contact between my husband and X ever again, especially in private. We talked about me alone being the one to tell him. This didn't seem fair to me. I hadn't done anything wrong. Why should I be the one to break the bad news to him. We decided that the best way to handle the situation was for us both to go to their house and tell them together. Not only would it expose the secret, but it would show that my husband and I were now a united front, and she had no power over me.

I went to see our bishop. My husband had already talked with him, and told him of the affair. I was distraught. He was so kind. I don't remember all that was said in that meeting, but I do remember the peace I felt. I told him of our plans to tell X and her husband. My kind, wise bishop gave me a priesthood blessing that day that I would have a clear mind and that I would be able to carry this load that had been placed upon my shoulders. When I left his office, I knew I would be alright, but that I was not expected to take this journey alone. I knew right then that my Savior would be with me every step of the way, and that all I needed to do was to ask for His help.

That is what I did. I prayed more earnestly than I ever have before. I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to bless me and my children. I asked that our home would be one of peace. I needed reassurance that all would be well, but most importantly that day, I needed my Savior right by my side.

That night, my husband and I went to X's house. When we went in, I looked at her. I was shaking and said we needed to talk. She and her husband took us into a room where we could close the door, and then it happened. I looked at her husband, and told him about the affair. Some may wonder why it was me, and not X or my husband being the mouthpiece that night. I don't have an answer to that. I just know that most of the words that I said that night were not MY words. I know I was inspired in what I said. I know that I was being directed to say what needed to be said that night. It is a moment that I would never want to relive, but it is also a moment when I absolutely felt the spirit of the Lord with me. I was calm. I wasn't crying. I was able to say what needed to be said, and to comfort her husband. I was also able to say things to X that I never thought I would be able to say.

Before we left, I remember saying goodbye to her children. I remember their sweet faces. They knew something was wrong. The children are the only true victims in an affair. I have learned in the past few months that most innocent spouses make a contribution to the affair. I have learned what my contribution was, but children have no contribution. They are perfectly innocent in the whole mess. They must deal with things being whispered about their parents. They deal with the fighting in the home. They have their spirits broken, sometimes not even knowing why. My biggest concern in this whole ordeal is the children. Not only mine, but hers as well. Every time I pray I plead with my Heavenly Father to protect them.

The children are the reason this has been kept as quiet as possible. We decided that night that we would not tell anyone, but deal with the matter as privately as possible. As far as I know, the only people who know are my parents, church leaders, and a few select close friends.

There were many sleepless nights that followed. So much heartache, and so much to learn. I will say, I have never felt more love from my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I know that they are aware of me and they know what I am going through. The Holy Ghost has been my constant companion. I know that there are loved ones who have died who are with me and my children constantly. I know that my Savior is just as close as I will let Him be, and when I ask, He is always there. I know that the atonement is real, and that its healing power is for ALL. Not only those who need to repent, but for those who need to be uplifted and need strength. I have drawn strength from the atonement more times in the last few months than ever in my life.

I love my husband. I love that he was willing to come clean with me. I love that he wants ME, and he wants our family to stay intact. I am so grateful that he chose to stay with me, and I am grateful that I didn't make him leave that day so many months ago.

It has taken me a while, but I can honestly say that most days I am happy, so happy!!!

-The Wife