Yup. That's my corner. There's a story behind this corner. I am not proud of what happened on this corner, and I'm not ashamed of what happened on this corner, but this corner will always have meaning to me. Let me tell you why.
When you are living a reality that you could never have imagined for yourself, you have triggers. I have heard the word trigger before, but I always thought that it was a description for a part of a gun. You know, you pull the trigger, and the gun fires. Yeah, I have a gun inside of me, and sometimes, that gun fires out of control, and I have to learn to NOT pull my trigger.
OK. Back to my corner. My husband and I went out to dinner. It was a good dinner, to start, and then, my husband said something to me. I have no idea what it was now, all I can say is that it hurt. It hurt BAD. I was feeling the pressure starting to build inside of me.
Our salads and bread were served. PRESSURE. The main course came. PRESSURE. I am now silent, because I know that if I try to talk here in the restaurant, I am going to explode with emotion. Tears were on the surface. PRESSURE. The check came. PRESSURE. I'm now red in the face, I'm sure, and I can't hold it back anymore. I can feel the tears coming, but I can't let loose right here! We are finally, FINALLY, able to leave. I'm sure my husband is scared to death because I have been silent the ENTIRE dinner! We get in the car, and then I FIRE.
Boy, oh boy did I FIRE!!! I let loose. I was screaming. I was yelling. LOUD. I have never fired like that before, and I don't want to ever fire like that again! But, I fired, and it felt soooo good! My husband drove and looked at me like I was some sort of alien, and I didn't care! I was letting loose, and I must say, I think it was good. I kept yelling, and I was shaking. I was angry. I was mad. He saw it all. He saw me at my finest (not really). He saw me in all of my fury. Do you want to know what I said? Here is a list:
- How?
- Why?
- You had sooooo much to lose!!!
- I had so much to lose!
- What do we tell our kids?
- I don't deserve this!
- I hate that you have done this to me!
- I hate that you did this to us!!!
- What were you thinking?
Well, he followed me, and waited. Waited until I had released enough of my energy to be able to sit in the car again. He was crying, and I was too.
Did I still love him? Of course. I just needed to get all of that pain out. I felt better, for a bit, and then I felt guilty. That's what I do. I was so worried about hurting him that I actually felt bad for releasing all of that energy. This is my problem. Sometimes you need to just take care of yourself for a while, without worrying about anybody else. I have had to learn this. Actually, after a year of dealing with the aftermath of an affair, I have learned that my needs are normal. It is normal for a wife, and mother to care for herself. It's normal to need to get away from the kids, husband, all of that stuff for a bit, but you need to come back.
That's what I did that night. I took care of my need to get it all out, to release all of that pain, and then come back. And you know what? He was very understanding. He just took it all in. He accepted that he caused this pain, and that I was justified in what I said. He has definitely been humbled, and so have I.
So where are we now? I no longer explode. I no longer ask all of those questions. (It does me no good. There are no answers that will satisfy me.) I no longer blame him fully for the hurtful events of our lives the past couple of years.
He doesn't say things that hurt me. He sees when I need my space, and when I need to take care of my needs.
And, guess what? We love each other more than we ever have. It has been a loooooong journey full of sleepless nights, good conversation, and tears.
And, I can honestly say that we are happy, so happy!
