X - I have HATED her!!! I have had horrible thoughts toward her. I never dreamed I could hate someone like I have hated her. I hate that she would text my husband while I was with her. I hated that she could spend an evening with me, and then meet up with my husband that very night. I hate that she could babysit my children, all the while knowing what she was doing to them. I hated what she did to her husband and her children. I look back on my friendship with her, and all I see is deceit and lies. I second guess the things she did for me that I thought were done out of kindness. Now I have to wonder, "was she just trying to be closer to my husband?" I second guess anything I ever told her concerning my husband or my marriage. How does one get past a good friend, or CLOSE family member being so deceitful? It's a complicated situation because I see her on a regular basis. Most of the advice you are given after discovering that your spouse has had an affair is to NEVER allow the other woman/man into your lives again. This is nearly impossible in my particular situation. I see her at ALL family gatherings. I HATE that I put on a happy face and not let the entire family know of our ugly secret. It eats me up inside.
My Husband - How do you go from completely loving a person to hating them in a matter of a second? I feel so bad, but there have been moments when I have hated my husband. I hated that in a time of difficulty he didn't see the warning signs and turn to me. I hated that he could bring this ugly poison into our home. I hate that he could tell her more about what was going on in his life than he shared with me. I hate that he continued in his calling just like nothing had ever happened with X. I hate thinking about all of the times we were with X and her husband, and I thought there was nothing to worry about. I hate that twice, when the subject of this woman was brought up as a person I should be concerned about he lied to me. I hate all of the pain I have had to endure because of another person's choice.
Me - I have hated me. I have hated my personality. I hate that I worry so much about other peoples feelings, that I push my own thoughts and feelings aside. I hate my body. I hate that I'm not as wrapped up in my looks as X (as if this could have kept him from straying). I hate that I don't speak my mind. I hate that I have wondered if there is anything in my life worth living for. I hate that I feel like my marriage is a failure. I hate that I didn't see my husband's needs and take care of them myself. I hate that it's so easy to look at my life and see destruction everywhere I turn.
Enough about hate. I will never forget the morning I told a dear friend about the affair. She is a person I have run/walked with for years. If you are a runner, you know that you share things with your running friends that you normally wouldn't. We were talking about affairs, and she said that nothing could damage your self esteem more than your spouse having an affair. At this time, she didn't know about my situation. I remember thinking she was absolutely right. Never in my life has my self esteem teetered at the edge like it has these last few months. I remember opening up to her and telling her what I was dealing with. She stopped in her tracks, literally, looked me in the eyes, and with open arms said how sorry she was. I will never forget the tears and the wisdom that came in the following weeks. I was telling her how much I hated X. My friend does not know X well, but does know her. I said that I knew at some point I would have to forgive her, but I didn't know how that would happen. My wise friend told me that I would have to start somewhere. I know this to be true, but I have such a hard time getting past my own hate.
Fast forward to a therapy session. I was wallowing in my grief when my therapist stopped me in my tracks. I was there with my husband, and she said that the pain I feel can in no way ever equal the pain my husband feels for the wrongs that he has done. I will never forget the look on his face. There were tears streaming down his cheeks, and he was slouching. He looked so defeated. In that moment I knew that I needed to forgive him and end that part of the hate.
There is a book I read last winter. It is called, The Light Between Oceans by M L Stedman. There is a part of the book that talks about forgivensss. It reads,
"But how? How can you just get over these things, darling?" she had asked him. "You've had so much strife but you're always happy. How do you do it?"
"I choose to," he said. "I can leave myself to rot in the past, spend my time hating people for what happened, like my father did, or I can forgive and forget."
"But it's not that easy."
He smiled that Frank smile. "Oh, but my treasure, it is so much less exhausting. You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things." He laughed, pretending to wipe sweat from his brow. "I would have to make a list, a very, very long list and make sure I hated the people on it the right amount. That I did a proper job of hating, too: very Teutonic! No"--his voice became sober--"we always have a choice. All of us."
I have been making lists. I have been referring to those lists time and time again. It's high time I wad up these lists and throw them away. I threw my husband's list away that day in therapy. I don't look at him with hate in my eyes anymore. I don't see the wrongs he has done any longer. I do, however, keep going over the list that I keep for X. I feel all of the pain and see all of the destruction she has caused, and I go over my list for her daily. I know that forgiveness takes time. It seems like it has been easy for me to forgive my husband because I am with him every single day. I see the changes he is making in his life to make things right. I am not with X. I don't see the changes she is making in her life. I don't know if her apology to me was sincere, because I have put enough distance between us to not see if she is trying to change. But, do I have to see her trying to change? Do I really need to see that she is sincerely sorry for the hurt and pain she helped cause? By not forgiving her, I am just bringing anguish to my soul that does not belong there. Last, but not least, I need to toss the list I have written for myself. I need to stop hating myself for things that happened that were beyond my control. It has been exhausting. Everytime I look in the mirror, I see an old, stressed, woman staring back at me. It is not the me that I used to see. I don't see the energetic loving mother I once was. I have been beating myself up for months about things I maybe, possibly, could have done differently.
I have been destroying my soul. Is this the person my Heavenly Father intended me to be? No. This is why forgiveness is essential to our salvation. By not forgiving another, and myself, I have been at a standstill. I haven't been seeing others as my Savior sees them, and me.
As a child, have you ever looked for something? Do you remember going to your mother and asking her if she had seen the particular item you were looking for? Did your mother describe to you exactly where the item was? Did you go back, look for the item, but not be able to find it? Did you go back to your mother? Did she lead you back to the place where the item was, and find it almost immediately? Did she show you how to look for things with more clarity? I have heard this called "Looking With Mother's Eyes". If we could see things as our mother sees them, we would find what we were looking for.
Have you ever tried, really tried, to look with our Savior's eyes? This is a skill that I believe has to be learned. We need to daily look at others as if we are looking through our Savior's eyes. He forgives each and every one of us because he has a perfect knowledge that we are all children of our Heavenly Father. He knows of our divine potential. He loves each of us with a perfect love. We are not perfect. When we see others, it's hard to see through His eyes, yet that is exactly what we have all been asked to do. Have you prayed to see people as our Savior sees them? Do you ask for help, daily, to see those who have let you down as Christ sees them? This is a skill I have had to work on recently. I am still learning to look through His eyes. I'm not there, yet. I haven't thrown away all of my lists, YET, but I am working on it. I pray daily to have the strength to forgive. I have faith that I will be able to forgive as my Savior forgives. I am striving to forgive, and I think I am getting there. I haven't made the final choice to throw away my lists, but I am starting to grab those lists and make some wrinkles in the paper.
Forgiveness is a choice. It can be a hard choice. I have chosen to forgive my husband. Without his love, I would be lost. He is a great man, and I see him through the eyes of our Savior. I know that we have a marriage that can be healed and can be mended. I love him more now than I ever have, and together we are working on being happy, so happy!
- The Wife
