In Kelly Clarkson’s song “Dark Side” the chorus says: “Everybody’s got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody’s a picture perfect. But we’re worth it, you know that we’re worth it. Will you love me, even with my dark side?” I have always fought with my dark side. As long as I can remember, it has always been there. Like Ms. Clarkson says: all of us have a dark side to some degree or another. I believe we all have a “good dog” and a “bad dog.” We make a choice every day which dog we are going to feed and give our attention to. I envy those people who (seem) to always be able to neglect their “bad dogs.”
In John Steinbeck’s classic “East of Eden” he parallels the Bible story of Cain and Abel, with fictional characters. These characters study deep into the tragic story of these two brothers, and what led to Cain’s demise. Cain was a farmer. Abel was a rancher, or a keeper of sheep. Abel offered up his best sheep, as a sacrifice to The Lord. Cain did not offer up his best fruit unto The Lord. One has to wonder if The Lord was a little more sympathetic to Abel’s offering because he is also a keeper of sheep. Either way, The Lord rejected Cain’s. Cain felt hurt and rejection. With rejection comes anger, and with anger comes revenge. Steinbeck’s characters discover the words “Thou Shalt” or “Do Thou” are the key to what happens next. The Hebrew translation of “Thou Shalt” is timshel – “Thou Mayest” – that gives a man a choice. After The Lord rejected Cain’s offering, he had a choice as to how he would react to this perceived injustice. He could choose to feed the bad dog inside of him, or he could choose to feed the good dog. We, like Cain, always have a choice, no matter what! We can’t always control what happens in our lives, but we can always control how we react to it. Timshel or Thou Mayest, is what gives us control, for if Thou Mayest, then Thou also Mayest Not. Timshel is possibly the most powerful word on earth.
Throughout the years of our marriage, at times, I have felt
rejected by my wife. The rejection hurt me deep inside. Even though the
rejection hurt, I always had the choice of how I dealt with it. If only I could
have turned toward her and opened up; put myself in a vulnerable position and
showed her how much I loved her, maybe “the mess” never would have happened.
When the affair came out, it humbled me to my core and broke my heart wide
open.
A few days after my wife found out about the affair, I found myself in
the Stake President’s office confessing what I had done. It must have bothered
him. I had served on his High Council and had sat in on church courts and
helped make judgments on men who had had similar problems. This is one part of
the whole mess that is very difficult for me. I felt like a hypocrite. I felt
trapped and wanted out of my position but was afraid to let so many people whom
I loved down. I couldn’t see a way out. The Stake President needed to know the
details of my transgressions and I needed to confess them.
The other woman and I had never had sexual intercourse. The
affair started out with a lot of texting, which turned inappropriate almost
immediately. We sexted non-stop. There were some inappropriate pictures, but
for the most part it was just words. I was shocked at how fast I was in over my
head. It was like pouring gasoline on a fire. We met a couple of times without
a lot of time and kissed and there was some inappropriate touching both ways.
As the relationship progressed physically, there was oral sex both ways. That
was the worst of it physically. I’m not really sure why we never had
intercourse, however, I had drawn a line and was unwilling to cross it and I am
so glad we did not cross that line. Looking back on the physical encounters
now, they look so cheap. They were always rushed and more like two teenagers
than two grown adults. What stopped the affair initially was one therapy
session that my wife and I were in. The affair was in full swing at this point,
it had been going on for about three months. My wife knew something was
terribly wrong in our marriage but had no idea about the affair. The marriage
counselor asked my wife point blank, “If he were to have an affair, who would
it be with?” My wife gave her the name of the woman I was in the middle of the
affair with. I couldn’t believe it. I was able to get out of that session
without letting them know what was going on, however, it ended the affair very
quickly. It took about five or six weeks before we started texting again. Our
families were very close, and it could never be completely over until it came
out.
With all of this information, the Stake President told me he
could not be sure, but felt I would not be excommunicated. Two weeks later, I
was dis-fellowshipped. It was incredibly hard to take, but I feel it was the
right decision and was done out of love. I can’t help but feel I should have
been stronger. How did I become so weak? I think as I was put on the High
Council, my wife and I both let our guard down a little bit. As if somehow the
calling would keep me out of trouble. I do feel more responsible than the other
woman. I knew what I was doing and I made some terrible decisions through this
period in my life. This is not who I am. This was completely out of character
for me. Sure, I always liked to push things right to the limit. I always
thought I could justify a “little sin.” Feed and play with the “bad dog,” just
occasionally. Satan knew right when to strike. He knows our weaknesses better
than we do.
I am so glad with all the bad decisions I made at least I decided to make a good decision and tell my wife about the affair. I am so lucky to have her. She is such an incredible person and we have been closer than we ever have been. We are open with each other and she has forgiven me. Some days are really hard, but we have many more good days than bad now. I am so glad she stayed. I am so glad she made the decision to turn to me and open up. It would have been so easy for her to turn away. I’m working on ignoring the bad dog. I know even with my dark side that there is always a choice. I want to make good choices and continue to live an authentic life, with everyone around me. Can I choose to live a good life? Timshel.
To listen to Kelly Clarkson's song, click below:
- The Husband
